Deliciously Stephy

“

I’m an angel, I’m a devil
I am sometimes in between

I’m as bad as it can get
And good as it can be

Sometimes I’m a million colors
Sometimes I’m black and white
I am all extremes

Try to figure me out you never can
There’s so many things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I’m miserable
Sometimes I’m pitiful
But that’s so typical of all the things I am

I’m someone filled with self-belief
And haunted by self-doubt

I’ve got all the answers
I’ve got nothing figured out

I like to be by myself
I hate to be alone
I’m up and I am down

But that’s part of the thrill
Part of the plan
Part of all of the things I am

I am special
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
And powerful
Unstoppable
Sometimes I’m miserable
Sometimes I’m pitiful
But that’s so typical of all the things I am

I’m a million contradictions
Sometimes I make no sense

Sometimes I’m perfect
Sometimes I’m a mess
Sometimes I’m not sure who I am

“

 

 

I AM by Hilary Duff

just got home from a farewell BBQ…….all of a sudden, I’m a bit sad. Well, it’s always sad to say goodbye to a friend, right?

Chap’s new buddy left two days ago, and then a friend of mine is leaving this coming Wednesday. My doc said the last time I visited him, “Relationship comes and goes”. It seems that friendship, too—it comes and goes.

Although I haven’t hung out with this friend for a long time, we did have a lot of good memories.

I knew her before meeting Chap. Chap broke up with his ex not long after we had become friends, and then this friend was joking to him that he should think about dating me. Who knew a joke would come true?

I never thought I’d go out with Chap. He looked like a younger brother to me (though I found out later that he was actually like an elder brother—taking care of me.) Anyway, things are always not in the way you expected.

I thought it would just be a short relationship — one that would last for at most a year.

I thought I just loved his company.

I thought I just wanted him to take care of me.

I thought I would never love him very much cuz I thought the one I loved most was my ex — the one I dumped because of Chap. (The one you choose to be with is not necessarily the one you love most, right?)

Of course, all that I thought TRUE turned out to be NOT TRUE.

You know what? I’m scared of changes. I freak out in face of challenges (though I told them I loved challengs when I applied for Engineering—well, that explains why I switched out.) However, I also get bored easily.

Looking back these years with Chap….. I made mistakes from time to time either because of curiosity or out of boredom.

I know ……when things started to go in a loop, your life was too quiet….. nothing special was happening……you would make things happen yourself…… something bad…… cuz good things are not fun eh? Not exciting eh?

Anyway, I dunno what I’m saying. I always think that I’m in the middle of good and bad. ….. oh …… whatever!

What was I thinking when I was writing that particular entry that you happened to see on my computer? Did I want anyone to see it? Did I expect that you would see it? I don’t know……I don’t know? What for Chris sake do I know?!

 

I’m sorry! I know you want me to say something to comfort you and to make you trust me again…….even though that may mean I have to lie…….but I really can’t do it. I dun think I deserve your trust. That’s why I chose to remain silent and not to explain anything. I’m sorry! Go find someone else who deserves your trust and your love. I love you, and I honestly do.

Fell in love with these two AE tees once I saw them. I saw them two weeks ago, and I still miss them a lot. LOL… but since I’m currently engaging in a spend-less campaign: I restrict myself to spending only on what’s necessary, I didn’t get them at last. Yay …… although this spend-less campaign hasn’t been very successful so far, I did make a few accomplishments.

Anyway, it’s probably not very appropriate of me to wear these tees. I dunno if I’m Kissable, but it’d be better not say so yourself cuz you may invite unwanted Kisser.

I remember my purse got stolen, and someone blamed me of having an eye-catching keychain on my backpack, which made others tempted to open my backpack and stole my purse. What the hell?!

Sometimes I wonder what I had done that made me deserve all these unwanted kisses. Is it that I didn’t behave myself at the very beginning and so I had those bad things coming myself?

All of a sudden, I remember a gay guy friend I knew a few years ago. As a Christian, I strongly oppose to same-sex marriage; but I do find most gay guys very attractive. According to my very limited experience with them, it’s joyful and comfortable to hang out with them.

This gay guy friend that I have kissed me once….on my lips ……that probably was the first night I knew him…… anyway, this sudden kiss was…….nothing at all…I didn’t find it offensive or what. It was just a kiss from a friend.

Well, I don’t think I can let a girl friend kiss me on my lips. Very good guy friend? Nah…… we just hug. So…… if I have to be kissed by a friend, it’d better be a gay guy.

Enough for this bs. Hee hee…

I want to go I want to go I want to go I SO WANT TO GO~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never realize your importance until I make you mad and you care about me NO MORE.

 

I continually play with your patience and tolerance. I’m sorry……

 

but please don’t make me wonder if I love you cuz I think I do.

 

I guess I just dunno how to treasure what I have.

I didn’t realize until now what you had done for me did touch me, but it’s already too late to tell you how I feel.

A picture of you …… smoking…… popped up in my head this morning when I was washing my face. You once mentioned that you smoked when you were not happy. Were you not happy that night? Would that be because of me? Nah……guess not! I’m overthinking again.

Yesterday was a friend’s birthday. I haven’t talked to this friend for……over a year, I guess. It was because …… for some reasons, we couldn’t be friends. 

 

Anyway, I had been wondering when would be a good time to contact him again. Then it came a birthday reminder from Birthday Alarm, so I e-mailed him — sending over a birthday wish.

 

I didn’t expect any reply from him; but surprisingly, he replied me really fast. I sent him a email b4 shower, and there was already a reply when I came back to my computer after shower.

 

I’m really happy to hear from him again. I respect his decision on cutting our contact before. I admit that sometimes I’m greedy and I’m not mature at all in handling thing like this. It’s not the first time I got myself into a situation like this—I know! Well well well, this one doesn’t turn out to be that bad…… but I don’t see it happen in some other similar cases.

 

Have a good night, Stephanie!