Deliciously Stephy

my confession: beauty and wisdom; I have none.

December 21st, 2005

Finally I can enjoy my X’mas holiday! Although I did really bad in my last exam yesterday and actually I did really bad throughout the whole semester, I’m glad that Santa Clause is coming to town.

Christmas is always my favourite festival. Is it yours?

I chatted with my TA and my prof after the exam yesterday. They’re both very nice people. Some of my classmates brought a camera and took pictures with the prof. I should have brought my camera, too; but no…… I looked horrible recently. I hope I can return back to my pretty mode in this holiday. :p

You know? Everytime I look at some of my favourite pictures, I feel really happy and I can’t help asking myself: how can you be so beautiful? LOL … but then I doubt if that was the real me. Probably it was just because of the use of angles —that’s my conclusion; and even if I was really that beautiful, I doubt if I can look the same again.

I never ignored my appearance to this extent before. I wear glasses throughout the whole semester. I don’t even bother combing my hair to make it look nice. Just a few brushes in the morning and off I go. I wear similar clothes every single day because I’m too tired to look for something else to wear.

I dunno what’s happening to me. I used to care a lot about my appearance. If I was too tired to make myself look good, I would try not to talk to anyone because I didn’t want others to see the ugly me; but in this semester? That was no longer the case.

Somehow I feel that my study is more important and that it needs more of my attention, so I’d rather spend time studying and sleeping than waking up early to worry about what to wear and how I look. Nevertheless, I started slacking after a few weeks of hard work. Sooner or later I’ll see my penalty.

My TA will TA the same course next term, and my prof will teach the same course again, too. Although they joked that they didn’t want to see me again, I doubt if I can pass.

I know how lazy I’ve been. Each Assignment’s worth 10% of the final mark (you should be able to get an idea how much they expect from you in the assignments), but I started the night before it was due. I dunno if I was too brave or chicken… anyway, I’m fine with failing this course. I guess it’s because I know clearly that I didn’t do what I was supposed to do in the course. (Perfectionism’s at work). I feel that I deserve an F. Besides, there have been too many times that I deserved a bad mark yet I ended up getting an A.

I once really saw an F coming. I told my friend about it. He didn’t trust me, saying that I simply worried too much and that I would never get a bad mark. Later I ended up getting an A-, and that further strengthened his belief. He never understood how close I was near to a fail. It was the final exam that brought up my marks.
Anyway, I’m not saying that I’m smart. I know I’m not!

I no longer think that getting a bachelor was too little an accomplishment and that one should get at least a Master degree. I’m no longer ambiguous. I just want to finish my degree asap.

I dunno if computer science is something for me. The more I study, the dumber I feel I am … yet this is still something I’m fascinated about.

Maybe I won’t get a CS job and I won’t look for one, but computer science is definitely something I want to learn.

The only thing that worries me is that I would forget all this cs stuff that I’ve learned if I didn’t work in the field.

Anyway, there doesn’t seem to be a choice for me yet.

My future still looks so blurry to me.

Entry Filed under: Personal, Life