Archive for October, 2006
so I cried…… the more you said… the more upset I got… yeah…… I called and made you lose the mood for work…… my fault….. I complained about the same thing…… thing that I had been trying to understand …… my fault…… I didn’t understand that you were such a busy man…… my fault…… I blamed you without trying to understand your situation first…… my fault…… I was being too organized and that I was giving myself pressure…… my fault….. I’m not happy…… my fault……
October 31st, 2006
Don’t have class in the afternoon today; only one in the evening; but I woke up at 10a.m. — planning to run my errands and Chap’s and then go back to school to study for my DBMS midterm before heading to my evening class.
I made a few phone calls, replied some emails, went grocery shopping, picked up a book at the library and did some laundry.
It was past 3p.m. when I finally arrived at school, and I was not happy.
I planned to come to school earlier to study for my midterm (it’s worth 25%), but there’s simply a list of endless errands to run. My plan’s ruined, and I’m worried about my midterm.
It’s not the first time I feel frustrated about it. I wish Chap could help me a bit.
He always says that I should let him know what I want him to do and he will get them done; but asking him to do stuff is a lot harder than doing it myself because he always delays it to a point that his help is no longer needed.
You know? I’m really tired.
I’m tired of having to keep track of my stuff and also his stuff all the time.
I’m tired of reminding him of this and reminding him of that.
I was really pissed this afternoon when I called him at school about the two tickets of his car. What is so hard about making a call to the ticket fighter — asking about the details of the trial and stuff?
Why do I always care about his stuff more than he does?
Why doesn’t he try to understand?
Or it’s actually my fault that I’m expecting too much from him?
Like last Saturday… I got off from work at 6p.m.. I had to go to Shopppers and Loblaws. I asked him to go with me so that he could help me bring my stuff home and then I could go to some nearby coffee shops to study for my midterms.
Well, I finally didn’t go to study because he wanted me to stay with him before he headed to his friend’s birthday party at 10p.m.. That was okay …… though I wasn’t entirely happy about it.
On Sunday, however, I got called back to work all of a sudden. I agreed to help because that was an urgent need. Besides, they made it easy for me to have someone else to take my Friday shift when I needed to write a test; I dun think it was right of me to refuse to help when I could still make it.
Anyway, Chap was mad at me. He said I didn’t think about my studies. He said he should have made me go to his friend’s party as I had the time to work.
I was angry, so I brought back what had happened before — how he made me stay with him and I ended up not being able to study.
I dunno…… I don’t mean to complain about him here on my blog.
He actually had made up with me before I went to work. I was glad that he finally understood, and I’m sorry that I bring it up again; but i guess I’m really upset about what happened this afternoon.
My brother just talked to me two days ago about my blog. He said I should stop writing so much here and stop writing stuff that would upset Chapman.
I know! I agree! I don’t mean to make him sad or anything …… it’s just that …… sometimes I really need a place to lash out my feeling.
I’m stressed out ……
Pardon me if I’m not doing the right thing.
I do love him, though.
October 31st, 2006
There’s nothing worse than feeling that you’re unable to take control of your life.
This happens to me when my long-term health problem comes bugging me or when I can’t seem to stop eating junk food.
Recently I have something new to add to my List of the Uncontrollable. It is caffeine.
I used to drink about a cup of coffee everyday — sometimes none, at most 2; and I usually chose European coffee (those with Espresso), which usually contains less caffeine than a regular American coffee.
However, my caffeine intake started increasing last summer as I started drinking energy drink.
Things got even worse this semester. I switched to American coffee since it was cheaper; and I’m now drinking an average of 2 cups of American coffee + 1 cup of tea. Sometimes I even drink 3 cups of coffee! Compared with 5 years ago, when my caffeine consumption was zero, it is definitely tooooo much!
It finally came to a point where I felt like crap all of a sudden last Wednesday, and I couldn’t even finish my cup of Earl Grey.
It wasn’t that I physically felt sick of it. It was more a mental discomfort.
I never felt so addicted to caffeine before, and the idea that too much caffeine was bad for health and that I would have a shaky hand when I got older really bothered me a lot.
On the other hand, however, I dun want to fall asleep in class or in the library when I try to study.
Well, people say that tea is better than coffee; and after some googling, I found that black tea contained only about half the amount of caffeine as that of a regular coffee, and green tea has even less.
Therefore, I’m now trying to drink tea when I feel like drinking coffee.
Earl Grey is my favourite. Starbucks’ Zen, which is a scented green tea, also tastes very good.
By the way, I didn’t drink any coffee last Saturday. Am I a good girl or not? And I only have one today …… so far …
Next time if I ask you to help me go get a cup of coffee or tea, secretly order a decaffed one for me.
I’m not sure if I can tell the difference between a regular coffee and a decaf one coz I’ve never tried any decaf coffee or tea, but I’m sure that psychological dependance has quite a big role in my addiction to coffee.
October 30th, 2006
How long has it been? Two weeks.
Anger seems to have gone away, but I’m still griefing……
Griefing over what? I’m not sure.
Loss of a friendship? Being hurt? Or seeing his true colour and his change?
I just feel really confused as to how I should treat people around me.
I don’t even know how much I should trust some of my “friends”.
Do they really treat me as a good friend? Or they have some other motives and intentions?
All of a sudden, I’m scared of letting people know anything about me.
“You’re too naiive” and “You dunno how to protect yourself.” are two very common comments I hear from my friends.
Well, there’s some truth there; and I won’t deny it ……
but that was someone whom I’ve known for so long……
is it my problem to trust him?
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
Maybe I shouldn’t have ignored the fact that he liked me.
. . . . . .
. . . . . .
P.S.
If you find me lying about something recently, remember that it’s not intentional.
I’m just feeling really confused.
October 29th, 2006
This is a lot more difficult than I thought.
I can cry all of a sudden at this moment and then feel really angry in the next.
I think I still can’t accept the fact that someone whom I’ve known for so long chose to betray me at the end.
It’s like…… all of a sudden…… you dunno this person anymore……
You wonder why; you can’t stop asking;
but the only answer you get is…..
this is a cruel world.
Hurt cannot be undone……
you get what you want — I won’t forget you.
October 18th, 2006
I always believe that humans are born good.
It’s just that some of them choose to be a bad person at some points of their lives.
They think they become wiser.
They think they can gain more this way,
but they don’t realize what they’ve lost.
Dog eat their conscience;
good people suffer.
October 17th, 2006
When you are not here,
I miss you and I want to see you;
but when you’re here,
I want to leave … cuz seeing you makes my heart ache.
October 8th, 2006
I went to play squash with Chap today, but it wasn’t a very good experience.
He was late because he had this sudden abdominal pain when he was about to leave home. Then he didn’t seem to enjoy playing as the pain didn’t go away.
Although I planned not to play so hard today as I have to work tomorrow, I did have some expectation for today.
The last time I played squash with Chap was like 2 years ago. The next time? I dunno. He’s too busy, and he didn’t seem to want to spend time on sports/working out.
You probably think that I’m a big fan of squash. No, definitely not. Actually, I suck. I simply want to spend more of my time on some heathy activities. Besides, squash is actually quite fun.
Anyway, life’s never perfect. It doesn’t always turn out the way it is planned.
October 5th, 2006
Just had a busy weekend. First, I slept in on Friday morning, the second time in a week. The first time was Thursday… so yes! Two days in a row …… that was really bad …… but I guess you could tell how tired I was.
I missed the first tutorial of an Economics class, and then I decided to skip Yoga Fit because I had to work on an assignment for my database management class. It was due next week, but I needed to meet up with my assignment partner at night to discuss our work. Apart from it, the location of Yoga Fit was changed to Fencing Salle last week. I went to Fencing Salle two weeks ago for Kendo Start with Jess. The floor was extremely dirty. Our feet all turned black after the Kendo class. Seriously, that was really gross! I honestly didn’t want to do my Yoga there even though there would be a mat!
Friday afternoon was a torture. I was so tired and sleepy that I couldn’t help closing my eyes. Coffee didn’t help at all. I really wanted to call my partner and cancelled the meeting, but I finally managed to stay awake, and we worked on the assignment from 8p.m. to 12 a.m..
My assignment partner was the Engineering student who talked to me in our first DBMS class. Actually, I was planning to work on the assignment by myself, but since he asked me to be his partner and that working with him would definitely be better than working by myself; I agreed to be his partner without considering any potential problem — his hidden motive.
Anyway, he drove to my place at around 8p.m., and then we went to a nearly Tim Horton’s on Yonge. When we were crossing Yonge street to get to the Timmies on the opposite side, he held my hand all of a sudden. Well, he let go of it immediately once we reached the pedestrian walk …… so that wasn’t really very bad; and this didn’t bother me much.
On our way back to his car …… again, we had to make a cross of Yonge street. There were a lot of cars, so I was patiently waiting. Then suddenly, he took my hand and walked out to the middle of the road. I was really scared, but he signaled the cars to stop for us, so we safely arrived at the other side of the road. However, he didn’t seem to have an intention to let go of my hand. Therefore, I slowly and “naturally” took my hand back and put both of them into my pockets. (I didn’t want to make him feel bad.)
He hugged me, thanking me for being his assignment partner before I got off his car and went home.
I went on MSN once I got home, seeking for advice about my assignment partner because I felt really weird about his holding my hand.
The good-bye hug…… I was totally fine with it. Some of my friends hug me everytime we see each other; but I really didn’t feel very comfortable with his holding my hand. Or was I too sensitive? He simply wanted to make sure that we both crossed the street safely?
I talked to two male friends about it. They both found this holding-my-hand-all-of-a-sudden thing a problematic act.
Chap was really worried that night as he knew about how this guy approached me in our first class. He was usually too busy to give me a call or even talk to me on the phone when he was working; but he text messaged me on Friday. I called him when I got home, not planning to tell him anything; but he asked….., so I told him.
Of course he wasn’t very happy about it, and he was a bit angry with me because I still refused to acknowledge my assignment partner’s intention.
Maybe you would think I was too silly, naiive or stupid…… but somehow I really don’t want to assume that people have other intentions besides making a new friend when they approach me. Even if there was something odd and suspicious, I would still choose to ignore it. I won’t think that he likes me until he actually tells me so. I guess …… it was because subconsciously…… I don’t want it to be true!!!
For this case, I honestly hope that he can be a good partner and friend in my database class. I need a friend A LOT MORE than an assurance of my appearance and charm.
If God is reading my blog, I hope he can grant me my wish.
October 2nd, 2006