Archive for June, 2007
I am …… not happy…
Sometimes I really want to run away……
It seems that I’m waiting for the impossible……
Well, even though it might not be that impossible, I guess I was already dead when the miracle came.
Although Chap says he still loves me very much and that he doesn’t want to break up with me, he’s still thinking that our relationship won’t work out.
He said he felt that our relationship had already come to an end after his conversation with my dad on the phone, and the only thing he could do now was ignore what had happened — try not to think about it.
I know it is hard for him……
I know it is a traumatic experience for him ……
but I’m really not sure how much longer I can hang on to this relationship.
I’m not being loved.
He seldom calls me, kisses me, and holds me.
It’s more like my begging for his love.
I can’t feel that I have a boyfriend.
so what is it that I’m staying here for?
I don’t know……
June 30th, 2007
I went to the library yesterday. I planned to stay there until it closed at 10p.m.. I text-messaged Chap in the afternoon, told him my plan and asked him to go home after work and get some rest (as he hadn’t slept much the night before).
He didn’t message me back. I thought he was busy at work.
6p.m. … he should be off… but there still wasn’t any call from him. I guessed he had some unfinished business at work… so I patiently waited for his call…
6:30.m. … 6:45p.m. … 6:55p.m. …
“Why didn’t he call me back?” I wondered…
“Not even a message?”
“Is it possible that the reception is bad there and he doesn’t get my messages and calls?”
7:15p.m. … 7:30p.m. … 7:45p.m. …
“Maybe he was too tired, and he went to bed once he got home from work…”
“Maybe he was in a meeting.”
“Maybe he forgot to turn on the sound of his cell phone.”
“Maybe… … …”
I tried calling him again and again… disappointment, disappointment, disappointment …
“Does he not pick up my call on purpose?”
“Or he has an accident?”
I started to worry about his safety.
8p.m. … 8:10p.m. … 8:15p.m. … 8:20p.m. … where is he? Where is he?
I couldn’t concentrate on my work, and I started feeling sick.
I felt a bit faint, and I wanted to throw up. I was very nervous.
9:40p.m…. I couldn’t wait anymore. I decided to go home myself, hoping that I would find Chap falling asleep on the couch when I opened the door.
The subway ride wasn’t as bad as I had expected. It didn’t take me very long to wait for a streetcar and a train.
I bore the hope of seeing Chapman at home, and there I arrived at the door… and noticed that the lights were not on inside.
“He just didn’t turn on the light,” I told myself while I was opening the door.
Silence ……
I could feel that Chap was not home……
I turned on the light and looked over an empty couch……
No… he didn’t come home…
I tried once again to give myself some hope.
I went to open the bedroom door……
No……
Where is he? Where is he?
I tried calling him again… Ring… Ring… Ring………… once again… I was greeted by a recording…
I cried…
I didn’t know what else I could do…
I called his friend from the teashop. No…… he didn’t see Chap and didn’t hear from him.
Where is he?
I went down to the garage, hoping to find his car there.
If he did drive home and leave his car in the garage, he shouldn’t be very far from home.
but…. No… his car was not there…
I went back home….. crying… didn’t know what to do…
I didn’t want to stay in an empty home…
I put on my shoes…… planning to go wander on the street…
then my phone rang!!!
“Chap…. it’s Chap!”
I was happy…but still crying.
* * * * *
He said he went to watch a movie and forgot his cellphone in his car.
He apologized for making me so worried… but I didn’t pay attention to his apology. I just wanted to see him very much.
He said he would never run away silently without a notice; he would come home no matter what happened.
I asked him to promise me he would give me a call everyday after work.
He said… he would try……
I asked him to promise me he would answer my call.
He said… he would try……
I understand that he needs some private time……
I know he’s suffering, too…
so I didn’t make any more request.
I guess I should learn to live with it…… learn to get used to all these uncertainties in the relationship…… learn to accept the fact that things have changed and they might never be the same.
Do I have a boyfriend?
Are we still together?
Can anyone give me an answer?
June 28th, 2007
Chap didn’t bring up the problem these two days. We didn’t argue, and we watch TV and have dinner together like we always did.
However, he is like a stranger to me. I’m not sure what he is thinking, how he is feeling. Every hour…… every minute…… every second…… I’m in fear of another big fight with him.
I watch every word that I say, every step that I make…… cuz I’m afraid of upsetting Chap again.
I don’t want to hear his saying how impossible it is for him to let go of what my father said.
I don’t want to hear that there is no way for us to stay together.
I don’t want to know.
I’m tired of crying, and
I’m scared of the pain.
I know the best thing to do now is a short separation. Spending some time apart will let both of us see the problem more clearly….. but I honestly find it very difficult… emotionally and physically.
I’m scared of change.
I don’t want to make any adjustment to my life.
Moreover, I don’t have the money to make the move.
I know we can’t stay like this forever.
I know we’ll have to face the problem one day ……
but I haven’t had the courage and a clear mind to deal with it.
I’m confused… and lost.
Rationality has a different opinion from my own feeling…
On one hand, I can’t imagine what life is like without Chap…
but on the other hand, I doubt if it would always be the happy relationship I used to find between me and Chap.
It is scary to realize that what you’ve always believed in may not be true.
What do I really want?
Anyway, I’d love to express my gratitude to my friends for their caring love, advice, and support.
I didn’t realize before that I had so many great friends who cared about me — give me advice when I’m in doubt, comfort me when I cry.
I truly can feel your support…… and this is what keeps me going.
I’m sorry that I don’t have time to reply your messages.
but I’ve kept your words in my mind.
Thank you…… from the bottom of my heart.
Let me say, I Love You!!!
June 27th, 2007
June 26 …… Tigger is 3-month old today. He still loves biting people’s fingers and toes, and he’s getting even more naughty.
He once played with wires, pulling a speaker down from the top of our TV; and the powerbar that was mounted to the wall behind the TV was knocked off, leaving a mark on the wall.
He also stepped on a switch and turned off all Chapman’s computers……THREE TIMES.
Sometimes he makes us very angry, and we would lock him up in his little home — the kennel we use to carry him out for veterinary visit. That is his jail.
However, no matter how mischievous he is…… he still finds a way to reach my heart…… I can feel that he’s getting more and more important to my life…..
June 26th, 2007
Isaiah 40:31
Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and will not be faint.
以 賽 亞 書 40:31
但 那 等 候 耶 和 華 的 、 必 從 新 得 力 、 他 們 必 如 鷹 展 翅 上 騰 、 他 們 奔 跑 卻 不 困 倦 、 行 走 卻 不 疲 乏 。
June 25th, 2007
I went to church by myself today… It was hard… I was about to be overthrown by my sadness. I didn’t want the pain of not having Chap to go to Sunday Worship with me. It seemed that things would be easier if I just went to a library and not go to church…
but I know I can’t give up…… Satan has already successfully stolen Chap from God and created a barrier in our relationship… I can’t listen to my sadness and do the wrong thing… I can’t let Satan win… I must have faith in God…
* * * * *
I felt the warmth of God once I entered the hall. Although I was still feeling very sad, a sense of safety came to my heart.
I started praying once I had settled down at the back of the hall. Singing from the worship team brought me back to the congregation.
I opened the pamphlet for the agenda of today’s sermon and found a leaflet of an upcoming sermon. It said, “if you think you’re a good man and you don’t have to come to church, this is for you.”
I was surprised… isn’t it how Chap always see Christianity? I felt that it was an opportunity to bring Chap back to the church…. but at the same time… I was worried…. I was worried that he might not be happy if I asked him to attend the function. I knew I must be very careful… I had to pray.
* * * * *
Near the end of the Sunday Worship was a time of tithing. I knew I had a $10 note in my purse and some change. $10 is actually less than the amount I earned in the week just passed…… but I hesitated to give it…… I counted the amount of change I had in my coin bag. I saw two loonies.
After some struggle, I put in $10.
* * * * *
I headed downtown after the Sunday Worship. I felt a bit scared of having so little money in my purse….. but $2 + some pennies, nickels, and dimes should be enough for a coffee, which I really needed to help me stay awake in the library. I also had two buns in my backpack. Although they were a-few-day old and I don’t usually eat “BBQ Pork Bun” and “Mexico Bun”…… I was sure that they were eatable.
However, I could only found one loonies when I was in the line at the Timmy’s on College and Yonge. Counting all the coins I had, I found a total of $1.85…… enough for a coffee… but not enough if I added a muffin.
* * * * *
Well… I do have some money in my bank… so I won’t die if I really need a bit more cash…… but I can’t let myself use those money because I need it to pay up my tuition debt.
I have a conviction that God will provide, so I’m not afraid of being poor……
but I’m afraid of losing Chap….. I guess I still haven’t had enough faith in God, trusting that he will always stay by my side and guide me through the darkness.
June 24th, 2007
Can anyone tell me what I should do? I’m sad. I’m lost. I’m scared. Everything is telling me that this relationship won’t last very long… I don’t want to give up… I really don’t…. but I’m feeling very weak… too weak to stand against the fact.
I love God, and I love my dad. God is my everything, and my dad is someone I respect most…. but the man I see as my future husband doesn’t love them…… Things weren’t like that before…. What did I do?
I thought this would only happen on TV, and I used to think that was some outdated story……. but now I know how painful it is…
I can’t imagine what it would be like if Chapman and I really broke up… so I chose to stay… trying my best to ignore the problem… stealing as many days as I can to be with him.
I’m scared… I’m really very scared… I don’t know what Chap will say to me in the next minute… I’m scared that he would become really cold to me again… I don’t know how long I can hang on… I don’t know when Chap would tell me again that things don’t work out and breaking up is inevitable.
Living in fear… living in tears… living in desperation…
June 24th, 2007
I never feel so sad about it. Some Christians are doing things that are even worse than what normal people (atheists) do. I was really angry about it at first… but then I became really sad … I didn’t expect that I would even cry about it. Silly huh? Maybe it’s the Holy Spirit.
You know? It’s not just one person… but two, three, four, five…
They don’t seem to know that they are doing something wrong… what a shame?! Don’t they feel guilty? Or the world has blinded them and they think they’re just being wise? I have no idea…
so I just prayed and prayed and prayed…while I was sweeping the floor…
June 15th, 2007
“So many things about our lives are uncertain.
This one thing, however, is sure:
no matter where, when, or how long,
God will be there and will be with us.”
This is something I read in my daily devotional email.
Thank you God!
I really have found great comfort in knowing that I cannot be in a place or time where you are not.
As you should have known, I feel lonely easily…. especially when I’m trying to meet an assignment deadline. I’m sorry.
Father, give me the strength and courage to go through the next 18 hours. Remind me that I’m never alone.
I Love You!
June 8th, 2007