我知道我們都沒有錯
只是放手會比較好過
Add comment July 15th, 2007
not so anymore ?!
I just finished class, waiting here at Bahen for Chap to pick me up. It is raining heavily outside… a perfect match of how I’m feeling right now.
I looked back how Chap was treating me in the last few days during class, and tears came out of my eyes.
Although Chap isn’t really treating me very badly, he doesn’t show any passion to this “relationship”.
It is me who always wants to kiss him and has his arms around me…… Once again I feel like I’m begging for his love.
He always says that he still loves me very much, but what happened between him and my dad stops him from acting it out.
I know he is telling the truth, but I can’t feel it —I can’t feel his love.
His saying “I Love You” doesn’t get to my heart at all.
I honestly lose hope in this “relationship”. I even doubt if it’s worth it to keep waiting and begging.
It is so painful to stay in this situation that sometimes I want to run away immediately, leave behind everything from the past, and start a new life.
I know I still love him…… I still love him very much…… but I can also feel that I no longer want to keep this relationship as much as I did before.
I know it is hard for Chap to get over what my dad said to him, but knowing this doesn’t really help me ignore how he’s treating me everyday.
Anyway, I’m getting tired. Thanks for reading!
Add comment July 13th, 2007
I wish there could be an easy way to get over a relationship
I love Chap…. but I feel that I shouldn’t be with him…
Many things are telling me so…
It seems that it is just me who can’t let go…
I’m losing hope again…
Add comment July 12th, 2007
Thank you, my friends!
I want to take this opportunity to thank my friends for their care, support, encouragement, and help.
I can’t survive the last few days without you.
Your willingness to take this homeless girl home, your offer to help with my search of a new home, your little support gift, your calls, your messages are what I’m counting on right now……
I feel so lucky to have known such a good friend like you.
You’re the blessings of my life.
I’m not sure what else I can say and do to express my gratitude for your kindness, and I’m sorry that sometimes I’m not able to reply your messages… but I’ve kept your words in my heart.
Although the problem has not been solved, or there may never be a solution to it …. you’ve already helped me a lot.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love,
Stephanie
Add comment July 4th, 2007
contradiction
I really really really want to go home — I mean moving back to Chap’s. I miss the warmth and comfort of our home, and I miss Tigger.
Chap has been asking me back since the night I moved out. He said he had found a solution to his problem with my dad; and it was IGNORE MY DAD FOREVER. Seriously, I found it very ridiculous. How could it be a “solution”?
I asked him what he would do if he wanted to marry me.
“Won’t you need to talk to my dad about it?”
“No,” Chap replied. “I don’t have to talk to him. You can talk to him about it.”
“What?” I was very surprised. “So we can’t even have dinner together with my dad?”
“Mmm…. I haven’t thought about that,” Chap answered with doubt, and then continued to persuade me to move back by telling me how much he missed me.
Every time we talked on the phone the same conversation went on again and again. I once challenged him who would support this idea, and he said a friend from work thought it was “okay”.
I don’t know…. I miss him, too; but I’m scared. I’m afraid that things would still be the same if I moved back.
He would still act really cold to me, look unhappy all the time; and then when I couldn’t stand the way he treated me anymore, I would get very upset and we would argue about it again.
The consequence? I would be told once again that he thought we had already broken up since that phone call.
I really can’t go through it again. It was not easy to make this move, especially when I didn’t have the money to rent my own place.
The fear of not having a place to stay, the helplessness, the loss, the stress… the uncertainty… what if they happened again?
Chap doesn’t make me feel secure about our relationship. He’s simply not used to not having me around. He is not thinking straight.
How can I count on what he is telling me now?
What should I do?
Add comment July 4th, 2007
unloved
I am …… not happy…
Sometimes I really want to run away……
It seems that I’m waiting for the impossible……
Well, even though it might not be that impossible, I guess I was already dead when the miracle came.
Although Chap says he still loves me very much and that he doesn’t want to break up with me, he’s still thinking that our relationship won’t work out.
He said he felt that our relationship had already come to an end after his conversation with my dad on the phone, and the only thing he could do now was ignore what had happened — try not to think about it.
I know it is hard for him……
I know it is a traumatic experience for him ……
but I’m really not sure how much longer I can hang on to this relationship.
I’m not being loved.
He seldom calls me, kisses me, and holds me.
It’s more like my begging for his love.
I can’t feel that I have a boyfriend.
so what is it that I’m staying here for?
I don’t know……
Add comment June 30th, 2007
waiting for a call
I went to the library yesterday. I planned to stay there until it closed at 10p.m.. I text-messaged Chap in the afternoon, told him my plan and asked him to go home after work and get some rest (as he hadn’t slept much the night before).
He didn’t message me back. I thought he was busy at work.
6p.m. … he should be off… but there still wasn’t any call from him. I guessed he had some unfinished business at work… so I patiently waited for his call…
6:30.m. … 6:45p.m. … 6:55p.m. …
“Why didn’t he call me back?” I wondered…
“Not even a message?”
“Is it possible that the reception is bad there and he doesn’t get my messages and calls?”
7:15p.m. … 7:30p.m. … 7:45p.m. …
“Maybe he was too tired, and he went to bed once he got home from work…”
“Maybe he was in a meeting.”
“Maybe he forgot to turn on the sound of his cell phone.”
“Maybe… … …”
I tried calling him again and again… disappointment, disappointment, disappointment …
“Does he not pick up my call on purpose?”
“Or he has an accident?”
I started to worry about his safety.
8p.m. … 8:10p.m. … 8:15p.m. … 8:20p.m. … where is he? Where is he?
I couldn’t concentrate on my work, and I started feeling sick.
I felt a bit faint, and I wanted to throw up. I was very nervous.
9:40p.m…. I couldn’t wait anymore. I decided to go home myself, hoping that I would find Chap falling asleep on the couch when I opened the door.
The subway ride wasn’t as bad as I had expected. It didn’t take me very long to wait for a streetcar and a train.
I bore the hope of seeing Chapman at home, and there I arrived at the door… and noticed that the lights were not on inside.
“He just didn’t turn on the light,” I told myself while I was opening the door.
Silence ……
I could feel that Chap was not home……
I turned on the light and looked over an empty couch……
No… he didn’t come home…
I tried once again to give myself some hope.
I went to open the bedroom door……
No……
Where is he? Where is he?
I tried calling him again… Ring… Ring… Ring………… once again… I was greeted by a recording…
I cried…
I didn’t know what else I could do…
I called his friend from the teashop. No…… he didn’t see Chap and didn’t hear from him.
Where is he?
I went down to the garage, hoping to find his car there.
If he did drive home and leave his car in the garage, he shouldn’t be very far from home.
but…. No… his car was not there…
I went back home….. crying… didn’t know what to do…
I didn’t want to stay in an empty home…
I put on my shoes…… planning to go wander on the street…
then my phone rang!!!
“Chap…. it’s Chap!”
I was happy…but still crying.
* * * * *
He said he went to watch a movie and forgot his cellphone in his car.
He apologized for making me so worried… but I didn’t pay attention to his apology. I just wanted to see him very much.
He said he would never run away silently without a notice; he would come home no matter what happened.
I asked him to promise me he would give me a call everyday after work.
He said… he would try……
I asked him to promise me he would answer my call.
He said… he would try……
I understand that he needs some private time……
I know he’s suffering, too…
so I didn’t make any more request.
I guess I should learn to live with it…… learn to get used to all these uncertainties in the relationship…… learn to accept the fact that things have changed and they might never be the same.
Do I have a boyfriend?
Are we still together?
Can anyone give me an answer?
Add comment June 28th, 2007
I still love him, but should I let go?
Chap didn’t bring up the problem these two days. We didn’t argue, and we watch TV and have dinner together like we always did.
However, he is like a stranger to me. I’m not sure what he is thinking, how he is feeling. Every hour…… every minute…… every second…… I’m in fear of another big fight with him.
I watch every word that I say, every step that I make…… cuz I’m afraid of upsetting Chap again.
I don’t want to hear his saying how impossible it is for him to let go of what my father said.
I don’t want to hear that there is no way for us to stay together.
I don’t want to know.
I’m tired of crying, and
I’m scared of the pain.
I know the best thing to do now is a short separation. Spending some time apart will let both of us see the problem more clearly….. but I honestly find it very difficult… emotionally and physically.
I’m scared of change.
I don’t want to make any adjustment to my life.
Moreover, I don’t have the money to make the move.
I know we can’t stay like this forever.
I know we’ll have to face the problem one day ……
but I haven’t had the courage and a clear mind to deal with it.
I’m confused… and lost.
Rationality has a different opinion from my own feeling…
On one hand, I can’t imagine what life is like without Chap…
but on the other hand, I doubt if it would always be the happy relationship I used to find between me and Chap.
It is scary to realize that what you’ve always believed in may not be true.
What do I really want?
Anyway, I’d love to express my gratitude to my friends for their caring love, advice, and support.
I didn’t realize before that I had so many great friends who cared about me — give me advice when I’m in doubt, comfort me when I cry.
I truly can feel your support…… and this is what keeps me going.
I’m sorry that I don’t have time to reply your messages.
but I’ve kept your words in my mind.
Thank you…… from the bottom of my heart.
Let me say, I Love You!!!
Add comment June 27th, 2007
2 months with Tigger
June 26 …… Tigger is 3-month old today. He still loves biting people’s fingers and toes, and he’s getting even more naughty.
He once played with wires, pulling a speaker down from the top of our TV; and the powerbar that was mounted to the wall behind the TV was knocked off, leaving a mark on the wall.
He also stepped on a switch and turned off all Chapman’s computers……THREE TIMES.
Sometimes he makes us very angry, and we would lock him up in his little home — the kennel we use to carry him out for veterinary visit. That is his jail.
However, no matter how mischievous he is…… he still finds a way to reach my heart…… I can feel that he’s getting more and more important to my life…..
Add comment June 26th, 2007